Setting healthy boundaries: Top 5 Myths!
I recently created a whole hot mess in my life because I neglected to set some healthy boundaries.
Dang!
You see the truth is, I'm 1000 times better at setting healthy boundaries than I was 10 years ago.
So much so, that I didn't even see this coming. It was in my boundary "blindspot".
10 years ago, I'm not sure I even knew what a healthy boundary was, and I certainly wasn't very good at setting them.
But I've learned, I've done the work and I've healed all of the reasons that held me back in the past from setting boundaries.
For the most part, I've even become a boundary badass (in a good way).
So I was shocked when I came to realize that this whole hot mess was essentially my creation.
My lack of setting boundaries, invited a situation into my life in which I came out feeling repeatedly hurt, disrespected and even resentful.
Ouch.
Looking back now, I can see all of the different opportunities that I had to set stronger boundaries along the way.
But hindsight is 20/20 and if you're an empathic recovering over-giver like me (which I suspect a few of you are), you're bound to have a boundary blind spot once in a while).
So what's a girl to do when she's has had a momentary boundary blunder?
Dust her self off, take a deep breath (with a healthy dose of forgiveness), and brush up on her boundary setting skills. 😉
Anyhoo, I got me thinking that some of you might benefit from brushing up on your boundary setting skills too.
So today, I’m sharing the top 5 Myths when it comes to setting healthy boundaries (inspired by @Terri Cole’s Boundary Bootcamp)
SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: TOP 5 MYTHS
MYTH #1: Setting boundaries makes you mean
I hear this one over and over again from the clients that I work with and I’ve even said this myself in the past. “But I feel so mean…”. It is as though setting a healthy boundary, asking for what you need and want or saying no to someone’s request for your time, energy or attention, somehow makes you a big bad evil mean person. It is somehow contrary to the “nice” person that you are. While it’s wonderful that you want to be a kind, caring and compassionate human being, (we definitely need more of those in this world), it does not require that you do so at the expense of your own health and well-being. Setting boundaries (especially if done early and often) can be done with love and with kindness. It actually opens you up to being more authentically generous, because you feel well taken care of, and therefore have more to give to those who matter most to you.
MYTH #2 Protecting your boundaries makes you selfish
Let’s cut straight to the chase on this one. Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you sane. While it may feel selfish because you don’t want someone to be upset, or to think or feel ____________(fill in the blank), at the end of the day you can’t control what others think, do, or feel. If they choose to throw a hissy fit because you’ve set a healthy boundary for your time, energy or well-being, that’s their choice. Their response to your healthy boundary is not your responsibility. If you want to stay sane and avoid feeling angry, pissed off, lonely, unseen or resentful, you have to protect your time and energy. It doesn’t make you selfish it makes you sane.
MYTH #3 Setting boundaries is too time consuming
Yup. I get it. Especially if you’re an empathic, generous giver. Setting boundaries can feel like it’s too time and energy consuming. Wouldn’t it just be easier not to do it, and just HOPE it all turns out? Short Answer. No! I know, I hate to burst your bubble, but the truth is, not setting the boundaries early on, takes way more time to clean up the mess later, and costs you way more energy and emotional upheaval. It even robs you of your health and wellbeing. (Recall that hot mess I referred to earlier in this post). While it feels draining at first to have to continuously set, state and re-state your boundaries, actually taking the time to do it, saves you a whole lot of time and stress in the long run. In the end YOU are the ONLY one who can do it.
MYTH #4 Boundaries will alienate the people that you love
It’s easy to assume that you will alienate the people you love, but the truth is, stating your needs, wants, preferences and non negotiables, actually gives the people that you love a chance to get to know you on an even deeper level. I get that it can feel as though you are being bitchy or demanding, but let’s circle back to what I said earlier. Setting and stating your boundaries can be done with love and with kindness. There’s not rule book that says you need to be rude, demanding or harsh when you state them. Setting boundaries with those you love actually sets up realistic expectations between you and the people you love the most which actually leads to a deeper connection and more of your needs getting met.
MYTH #5 Real Romantic Love has no Boundaries
Blame this one on the Rom Coms of the 80’s and 90’s. In my experience, this is so far from the truth and it’s a truth bomb that needs to be dropped way more often. Healthy romantic relationships require continuous negotiation, communication and healthy boundaries for both parties that can change over time. Setting healthy boundaries ensure that both person’s needs are getting met, at least most of the time. It’s a work of LOVE in progress. Bottom line. Healthy Love = Healthy Boundaries (- T. Cole, Boundary Boss). The idea that in real romantic love, there is no need for healthy boundaries is simply outdated and untrue.
I’d love to hear what aha’s or takeaways you had or which myth you need to bust through to create a more blissful life (and even avoid burnout) AND if you’ve often been called “too nice” or struggle with people pleasing syndrome and setting healthy boundaries in your own life that is causing you stress and upset, grab a spot on my calendar so that we can turn things around once and for all.
Sometimes you just need help, tools and accountability to get started and find your boundary setting groove so that you can become the boundary badass you were born to be (all while being a kind and generous soul).
P.s When you’re ready... here are three ways I can help you shift from Burnt Out to Blissed Out!
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